The Friendship Factor

By Danny Anderson

When we think of pastors, we often imagine them surrounded by a sea of meaningful relationships. After all, their entire ministry revolves around people—counseling, leading, teaching and connecting. Surely, there is no shortage of friendships for pastors . . . right? Wrong! The surprising truth is that many pastors are among the loneliest of all. This hidden struggle not only takes a toll on the health of their soul but also creates a significant barrier to the growth and vitality of their church.

In his book Vital Friendships, Tom Wrath shared about a time in 1991 when he was invited to work on a special research project to help shelters and city missions develop better programs for people in need. He was asked a simple question: “Why do some people emerge from homelessness and recover while others do not?”

At first glance, we might assume that homelessness is in large part due to excessive drug and alcohol abuse; however, as he dove deeper into the study, he discovered something he did not expect. Alcoholism and drug addiction were indeed factors, but “in most cases, the relationship with the bottle or needle was predicated by the collapse of a close relationship with a friend or loved one.” 

There it is—deep, personal relationships aren’t just a luxury; they are the lifeline between survival and collapse. The same truth holds for pastors: meaningful connections are not only vital for their well-being but also for overcoming the hurdles of growing their church.

If you are going to grow your church, develop your soul and have staying power in ministry, you cannot do it without several good friends. In 2 Samuel 23, we read about David’s “mightiest warriors.” Verse 39 tells us, “There were thirty-seven in all.” Yes, David was a great warrior, and yes, he did kill tens of thousands. But these victories—your victories—do not and cannot happen in a silo. Warriors achieve greatness by standing side by side with those willing to march into the battlefield with them.

Unfortunately, building a healthy community of friends to share life with is one of a pastor’s greatest challenges. Loneliness among pastors isn’t merely a widespread issue—it’s a global crisis. Several key factors contribute to this reality.

OTHERS’ UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF YOU

When we develop friendships with the people we pastor, unrealistic expectations are often involved. They may expect us to talk about Jesus or the Bible in every conversation, and they may expect that we don’t have strong convictions about anything outside of the Bible: we don’t drink alcohol, are always positive, always available to talk or help, never act selfishly or give in to anger, and on and on it goes. Pastors struggle to shake the feeling that they are working even when they are in social settings with friends.

Developing friendships absent of these expectations can seem like an impossible task. That may be the case, but no matter how hard it may seem, you must be willing to find a few people who will love you as you are and make space for you to be a normal person because the alternative is loneliness—one of the predominant reasons why pastors quit prematurely.

Clergy coach Laura Stephens-Reed explained the danger of loneliness in a recent article: “People who feel lonely are at a 26 percent greater risk of premature death—a threat as great as if we smoked 15 cigarettes a day—and that is particularly true for those of us who are middle-aged.” Fifteen cigarettes a day! That’s dangerous, but the verdict is clear—loneliness is one of the most dangerous killers of all.

YOUR UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS

It’s hard for pastors to have meaningful friendships, especially if they have been burned by so many in the past. It’s also hard to be the friend of a pastor. Let’s face it—if you’re a pastor, what you do is weird. It is multidimensional and multifaceted. If you tried to explain it to the average person, would they understand? Probably not.

Because it’s hard, we do the worst possible thing we could do. We stop trying. We back away. We withdraw, and we isolate. We become independent. We decide to keep everyone at arm’s length and just be the pastor to all. We remain alone and unknown. There is only one problem: that’s not how God made you.

Perhaps you invested in a friendship and allowed yourself to be vulnerable with them. Maybe the friend turned on you and used your vulnerability and shortcomings against you. Maybe you were accused of favoritism. Maybe it was something you said in a sermon. Maybe the friend didn’t like a decision you made within the church. Somehow that friend hurt you, and you don’t want to experience that pain again. So, to protect yourself, you resigned to never trying that again. It’s understandable. It’s a defense mechanism against pain. It’s also a surefire way to take yourself right out of ministry.

YOU ARE TIRED

In a recent article, Pastor Steven Witmer wrote that one of the primary reasons pastors find it so difficult to cultivate healthy friendships is simple—they come home exhausted. They don’t feel an urgent need to develop deep friendships when they are daily steeped in long days of ministry. Put differently, though pastoring can be profoundly rewarding, who has the energy to socialize even more after weeks packed with long, exhausting days—and sometimes even longer nights?

The unique dynamics and challenges of ministry can be unlike any other challenges people face and, therefore, are hard for others to understand. How can a normal person understand and relate to the pressure of putting together a weekly 30- to 40-minute presentation, talking with a couple who is about to get divorced, performing a funeral, working with staff members who cannot resolve their differences, helping someone overcome an addiction to porn and meeting with a high-capacity financial supporter who is thinking about leaving because the lyrics of a worship song were not doctrinally sound? All in one week! It’s hard for the average person to understand and relate to the life of a pastor.

If you are a pastor struggling to cultivate deep friendships, you may feel like you are up against impossible odds, but I can tell you that today I enjoy several different healthy relationships. I feel connected to a strong group of men who are doing life with me. At this point in my life and ministry, I would never even try to lead my church and family without them.

All too often, we use the pressures of ministry and our busy schedules as an excuse not to develop friendships. This is a mistake. The pressures of ministry and the busyness of life will always be there. If you want to have friends, you must learn to place your relational needs before the needs of the church. Making friendship a priority means that you schedule it. Whatever does not get scheduled does not get done.

So, how do you get started in developing friendships?

HUMBLE YOURSELF

As a pastor, there is simply no way to manage the load of ministry by yourself. I have tried to remind myself that humility is viewing oneself appropriately. And you, my friend, are not God. Unlike God, you have severe limitations. To think that you can manage to lead a ministry alone is delusional and a good sign that you might have a Messiah complex. You don’t have the spiritual or emotional capacity to lead and grow a church without the support of good friends.

I’m not talking about the practical help a good staff provides. Yes, you need that. I am talking about the emotional support of friendship. In Genesis 2:18, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” I know God is talking specifically about the reason He created Eve, but I don’t think she is the only one to whom He was referring. Humble pastors know they cannot make it without others in their corners. However imperfect people are, Jesus works through them to provide help for the journey.

One of my favorite lines in the Old Testament is found in 1 Samuel 23:16: “And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David . . . and helped him find strength in God.” We know that David was a mighty man of faith, a man after God’s own heart. His faith gave him the courage to take on a nine-foot giant! But even he faced moments in his life where he needed encouragement to keep the faith.

In one of the darkest times in his life, God provided a friend. Jonathan sought out David, found him and encouraged David to keep his eyes on God. He helped him continue to believe in the plan that God had for him. Like David, you and I need encouragement to stay strong in the dark times. We need encouragement to stay faithful to our calling to grow the church. Are you humble enough to admit your need? Humble enough to look for a Jonathan—or two?

FIND YOUR STRENGTH IN GOD

Several years ago, I read Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s book Life Together. One particular sentence surrounding the topic of friendship grabbed me and changed my thinking forever. He wrote, “The physical presence of other Christians is a source of incomparable joy and strength.” Nothing else can provide incomparable joy and strength besides the very strength of God Himself. Many times, that strength comes through His Holy Spirit and His Word. What I have come to realize, however, is that one of the primary ways God delivers strength to pastors is through people. There is something almost unexplainable that can happen between friends in the midst of hard times.

The reality is that to isolate yourself from people is to cut yourself off from a major source of supernatural strength from heaven—the very strength you need to handle disappointing people, the loss of people to other churches, the constant trauma others are facing, your own insecurities and fears and a host of other issues is denied when you isolate yourself. That means that you must open yourself up to trust. There is no way around it. Friendships are healing for the soul, and a healthy soul is the driving force behind a growing church.

SEEK INSIGHT

Leading a growing church requires that you make wise decisions—and lots of them—which means that you must have keen insight on a wide range of issues, from the right people to hire, topics to cover in your sermons, how to discuss the challenges of ministry with your elders, how to address resource shortages or how to let a long-time staff member go. The decisions are endless. My insight on these issues is limited. So is yours. Neither you nor I can see things clearly on our own—tunnel vision takes over, and before long we find ourselves making sudden, misguided turns and crashing—when a trusted companion could have helped us navigate the blind spots.

We are emotional creatures. Emotions—both good and bad—can fog our view of what’s really going on under the hood. Isn’t it interesting that the answers to others’ problems seem very simple and clear? Meanwhile, our own problems feel so complex! Why is that? We are not emotionally attached to their situations, but we are deeply attached to ours.

I’ve counseled countless people who have refused to heed wise counsel and fell on their faces—hard. I’ve also counseled many who have received it, prayed over it, fasted over it and are now reaping what they’ve sown: repentance, faithfulness to God and a heart to live a life that glorifies Him. Your openness to invite trusted loved ones into your struggles—or even the ordinary moments of daily life—can be the difference between life and death.

PICK A FEW GOOD MEN

A few years ago, I decided to make a short list of people I would want to be friends with. The list included men who I knew were committed to their relationship with Christ and to being good husbands and fathers, successful in their occupations and growth-minded, with high emotional intelligence. I asked them if they were willing to get together regularly to pursue spiritual growth.

Each one of these men had a track record I could observe. All too often we leave friendship up to proximity and attention—who is around us because of our schedules and who likes us because of our role. We must be much more intentional than this. You are in a position to know who is really taking life seriously and who can add value to your life. So, make your list and pursue those friendships.

GIVE PERMISSION AND BE VULNERABLE

For a friendship to add value, you must give the men in your life permission to speak. Permitting them to speak means going beyond honesty or transparency, and there is a difference between transparency and vulnerability. Transparency is honesty about what is really going on. Vulnerability is opening ourselves up to critique by giving the friends in our lives the freedom to speak.

Likewise, you must have a conversation about what you expect, what is OK and what is not OK. I have found that unless you clarify from the start that the purpose of the friendship is to encourage, challenge and strengthen one another, the friendship will remain shallow. You must look at the people in your life and tell them they not only have permission to speak into your life but also that you are counting on them to do so. That is the point.

After the expectation is set, you must challenge yourself to open your life up to them. Maybe you need help with something. You can start slowly with something like an organizational challenge or a difficult situation you’re navigating with your children. Opening up like this communicates that you mean what you say—you are committed to them, have a vested interest in their lives and honor what they bring to the table.

Inevitably, if you stay at your church for any significant length of time, you will have some key relationships that don’t make it. One friend may move away and enter a new stage of life, and another friendship may end over some kind of disagreement. As a younger pastor, this is a major source of pain. Keep in mind that you pose a threat to our “great enemy” (1 Peter 5:8).

Neil Anderson puts it this way: “If you’re a Christian, you’re a target. If you’re in ministry, you’re a bull’s eye.” If he can take you out by tempting you to become ego-driven, lustful, greedy, discouraged or angry, he will cause immeasurable pain and disillusionment in your church and the community you are trying to reach.

His goal is to cause you and the church you lead to fail in reaching this broken world. One way he achieves this is by isolating you and sowing seeds of disconnection, making it harder to recognize the blessings of relationships and harder to withstand disappointment when they fail.

As I have grown and matured, God has shown me that I need to be grateful for the time I had with that person, for the value that the friend added over the years and for the value I added to them. It is rare to have a friend that will go the distance with you. That is OK. If you keep your heart open and look around, God will—and must—send you a Jonathan. The alternative is loneliness, and that, pastor, is simply not an option.