Untangled

By Shane & Sue Schlesman

My (Shane) first job after college was managing a paint department in a local hardware store. I didn’t know anything about paint, but I could sell. I had great ideas about improving and expanding the paint department. However, I soon learned that customers only cared about finding paint color samples where they always had been.

Regardless of my vision, the management wanted me to run the department the same way the previous guy had run it. And when the previous guy wanted to return to the store, guess what happened to me? They let me go. They valued keeping everything the same as it had always been more than moving forward.

When I went into the insurance industry for the freedom and the bonus structure, I found a similar impasse. Although we had award systems and huge bonuses, our pay and performance markers revolved around a structure and value system that hadn’t changed much in the last century. Regardless of changes in the market, target demographic and culture, my boss expected me to conduct business the way it had always been done.

Eventually, I shifted to outside sales consulting for greater earning potential and flexibility for my family and ministry schedules. Even though I was an independent consultant leading the company in sales—even though my boss got a cut from all the revenue I generated—my boss was irritated that I spent my personal time running a campus ministry as a volunteer instead of drinking with my clients.

It seemed that for all the corporate talk about change and improvement, everyone felt more comfortable with traditions.

I could not wait to be paid for work with eternal value. When I left behind my insurance agency, residual income and all the perks of being a top sales associate, Sue and I embraced full-time ministry with excitement and faith. Finally, we had escaped production and performance. No more expectations to be someone we weren’t designed to be!

(Cue the laughter.)

THE BUSINESS OF CHURCH

Spoiler: We did not escape expectations by entering the ministry. If we have learned nothing else from the pandemic and the chaos that ensued after it, we have learned that there are expectations associated with spiritual care that we can never meet. People have the expectation that you will not only agree with their perspectives but you will condone, support and celebrate how they think and act.

In Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership, Gary McIntosh and Samuel Rima write, “When our expectations are unrealistic or become selfishly motivated, they can become very destructive in the life of the person toward whom they are directed … expectations can either propel people to achieve or they can produce pain and failure.”

The proof, as they said, is in the pudding: If you are experiencing pain with feelings of failure, there’s a good chance you or someone else has levied unrealistic expectations on you, and you are buckling under the weight of stress.

In Exodus 15, Jethro brought Moses’ wife and sons to meet Moses in the wilderness; Jethro saw the unrealistic expectations that were weighing Moses down. Moses had personally committed to listening to every person’s problems. Jethro said to him, “‘What you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him.’” (Exodus 18:17-19). Moses followed Jethro’s advice. He delegated and focused his attention on his specific calling: to be God’s representative and teach his decrees. He let someone else do everything else.

Share your stress with a wise person who can give you perspective. Learn to delegate.

HOW TO HANDLE DISAPPOINTMENTS

We are not good at handling expectations yet. Disappointment stings. We care what people think and how our organization works. But we are learning that expectations come from earthly thinking. God knows that we are dust; He expects nothing from us. He only woos us to Himself out of love.

Sam Chand talks about two ways to handle hurt and disappointment in his book Leadership Pain. Sam first finds “pain partners,” people he chooses, friends who can help him process his leadership pain. They don’t solve his problems or minimize his hurt; they let him verbalize his disappointment without judging him.

Second, Sam recalls God’s faithfulness to him in the past. God is good, God has been good and God is doing good even when we can’t see it. Perhaps this is the reason Paul recounts God’s faithfulness so frequently in his letters; he continually suffers from leadership pain but realizes the power of recounting God’s faithfulness.

Let’s look at how some great biblical leaders handled expectations.

David: Attack the problem, not the people. The Amalekites looted David’s towns, Ziklag and Negev, and carried off the wives and children of David’s army. David and his men wept together, and then David’s soldiers talked about stoning him to death. Adversity can quickly turn loyal friends into vengeful enemies. Instead of asserting his authority, David sought the Lord’s wisdom and invited his men to join him in pursuing their enemies and bringing back their families. David had compassion for his men’s pain and perspective but quickly attacked the real enemy.

Moses: Nurture God’s favor above popular opinion. Every time the Israelites murmured against God or Moses in the wilderness, Moses interceded for them and secured God’s mercy. We know that Moses valued horizontal relationships: he asked God to let Aaron join him in his calling; he pleaded to God for Miriam’s life, even though her offense was against Moses’ wife Zipporah; Moses continually showed compassion for the complaining Israelites. Often, Moses stood alone in his vision, yet for the most part he prioritized his relationship with God over his own popularity. At the risk of his life, he valued standing in God’s presence, being close to Him, and hearing His voice, even if that meant he was alone.

Elijah: Obey God implicitly. During a famine, when the king’s men searched throughout the country for Elijah, the prophets all hid. For three and a half years, God asked Elijah to trust Him: from a flowing brook to a starving widow to a dead child, God used increasingly difficult circumstances to incrementally grow Elijah’s faith in God’s provision. Elijah witnessed great miracles—and was the implementer of great miracles—because he obeyed God immediately when God told him to do something.

THE LIE OF EXPECTATION

Here’s the problem with expectations (besides the obvious stress expectations carry). Embedded in expectation is a root of self-preservation. When we expect people to know what we want and how we want it, we disobey the second Greatest Commandment, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” On the receiving end, when we cater to expectations, we disobey the first Greatest Commandment, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind.”

Expectations are profoundly unbiblical. God expects nothing from us; He demands our obedience but gives us freedom of choice. He designs our paths and gives us freedom for creativity. He restores our souls and gives us freedom to love. He redeems our mistakes and gives us freedom to make amends. He heals our diseases and gives us freedom for gratefulness. He comforts us in our grief and gives us freedom to process.

Obedience is the gateway to freedom, not the locked door of independence and individuality. The devil has spent the history of mankind convincing humans to believe obedience is enslavement. He accomplishes that through entitlement-based expectation, which creates a platform for disappointment.

He fuels his strategy with lies: If we mess up, God must be disappointed with us. If we can’t get our church to grow, God must be disappointed with us. If popular opinion turns against us, God must be disappointed with us.

Truth: God loves you exactly the same as if you were popular, successful or respected. You are created in His image, and He is in the process of restoring you to your original state: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual perfection. The lie embedded in production creates a performance-driven value system.

God doesn’t need us to do anything. He doesn’t even need us.

He wants us.

God’s kingdom runs opposite of this world. We value performance, results, appreciation, acknowledgment, reward, process, structure. God values people, growth and transformation. He’s always about reaching our souls. His purposes take the sting out of personality hang-ups, giftedness, opportunity, platform, everything.

Let God transform your mind and heart. He will change your business, your ministry, your family, your friendships, your mental health. A soul that thirsts for God does not feel the weight of expectation. Therefore, it doesn’t perform. It doesn’t feel disappointed. It just exists in a state of worship. We are free to choose the better things; unlike Martha (who did so many important things), we become listening souls like Mary (who had nothing to do).

King Saul is so full of anxiety that he’s throwing spears and hunting down his loyal son-in-law. But David, hiding in the caves of Ein-Gedi, can direct his anxiety to the Lord by composing psalms of praise and worship. David writes in Psalm 42:1-5:

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

THE WEIGHT OF EXPECTATION

Anne Lamott once said, “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” Human nature directs us toward resentment because stress germinates in the soil of expectation. God designed us to work, to be productive. In Genesis 2, God’s curse on mankind is an unhealthy tension regarding work. Post-fall, mankind is engineered to produce under the weight of expectation, identity and self-worth. Because we fail to meet our own expectations, we allow performance to creep into our perspectives and corrode our work.

We all pray for God’s blessing and power, but we’re still surprised when things don’t work out according to our expectations. Brené Brown writes in Rising Strong, “Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.”

Why do we allow ourselves to be disappointed by God, the God who left heaven to die for us? He has nothing left to prove, but we expect Him to keep proving His love to us.

THE SOLUTION TO EXPECTATION

Values keep us consistent and constant in our ministry. Known values prevent misaligned expectations and disappointment. As leaders, we’re constantly struggling to improve culture, cast vision and execute God’s mission. As we manage the tension between what worked in the past and what needs to change for the future, we have to keep our personal (and corporate) values central to our actions. Value-driven leadership impedes anxiety and fear because our focus is on the why, not the how or what.

In his book, Change Your World, John Maxwell addresses the importance of value-driven leadership for managing stress like this: “Values not only help people to live better, but they also help people to stay true to themselves. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. You have to be able to sustain yourself, to keep yourself going, to continue pursuing your vision.”

Recently, our church staff read a book that challenged us to re-examine our staff culture and identify any toxic practices. As our staff sat in discussion groups, we had to answer the question, “What is our church’s primary value?”         

Of course, we immediately touted our successes with discipleship, missions and worship. We have a great church with a great history. But in the context of the question, the real answer to this question isn’t found in our history or theology. It’s found in our practice. Consider these questions to find your primary values (either corporate or personal):

• What are you willing to fight to achieve?
• What do you defend?
• What are you willing to suffer for?
• What are your non-negotiables?
• Where do you spend your time and money?
• What do you dream about—what would you do if anything were possible?

Ask value-based questions to find your debilitating stress. Remember, anxiety grows in climates of inconvenience and discomfort. But discomfort is imperative for growth. You can’t control what other people do, but you can take out your sword of truth and start cutting away the scar tissue caused by unresolved conflict and perfectionism. Cut away anything that has accumulated from disease and neglect, anything that isn’t directly feeding the mission of God (sharing the gospel and making disciples). The sideways energy of being more and doing more generates a culture of stress.

Everything we do and the way we do it reflects the value we assign to it. The higher the priority in time and mental energy, the higher the personal value for this area. Do any of these signs of ignored values apply to you?

• You feel like your schedule is controlling your life.
• You don’t have time for things that bring you joy.
• Most of your time goes to tasks, not people.
• You don’t feel like yourself anymore.
• You struggle to manage negative thought patterns.
• You feel protective over what you accomplish or make excuses for what you don’t accomplish.
• You feel anxiety, chaos and distress in your body or spirit.
• You’re not fulfilling the dreams you had for yourself.
• You feel like you’ve missed God’s calling on your life.
• You engage in secretive, manipulative or controlling behavior to get things done.
• You think about self-harm and/or ways to escape your life.
• You’re not spending most of your time in your areas of giftedness.

THE WARNING OF EXPECTATION

David is a natural leader and a passionate pursuer of intimacy. His values drive his behavior. While David’s heart is his greatest strength, unguarded, it contributes to his downfall. He allows his values to change; his passion for God morphs into pleasure for himself. David’s son Solomon would later write, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23).

Be aware of others’ expectations because they create stress through …

An unholy attachment to process. Wrong things seem right when you value acclaim. A cycle of expectation and disappointment creates an unhealthy stress spiral for pastors; if your identity and the success of the ministry depend on your ability to please your congregation, you are headed for disaster.

An unsustainable attachment to personality. Providing constant attention creates unhealthy leadership environments where people expect direct access and immediate care. Even Jesus didn’t meet needs all the time.

An unrealistic commitment to responsibility. Leaders often take on too much responsibility because it’s easier and more efficient to do the work themselves. You have the most training and experience, but the work of the ministry should be done mostly by your lay people. The rule of delegation states that when people are 70% ready for a job, that’s when you give them authority and responsibility. We all learn from making mistakes. Let your people make mistakes.

Teams that feel the pressure to work as hard or as perfectly as their stressed-out leader become an organization of workaholics. Staff will resent or envy their leader’s time off rather than celebrate it; consequently, pastors won’t take necessary vacations and sabbaticals, or they will take them begrudgingly. In high-expectation cultures, leaders work harder and/or worry that people won’t think they’re working hard enough. Deception easily grows in a culture of workaholism and performance because leaders must keep the expectation satisfied, at least on the surface.

As a leader, you must continue to grow and develop apart from the expectations of others. Analyze the source of your debilitating stress and unshackle yourself from it. Call stress what it is:

• Fear
• Anxiety
• Expectation
• Pride

Let’s dismantle the snares that stress creates.

Get your copy of Shane and Sue's new book, Death by Pastoring, at the AVAIL Store!