Great Expectations

The hidden costs of living for approval

By Sam Hinn

Nothing Jesus’ friends did seemed to bother Him. Martha thought kitchen chores were more important than conversing with Him. Peter passionately denied Him three times at the trial. Thomas doubted His resurrection.

Jesus did not lace His relationships with expectations, and He refused to be trapped when others sought to put their expectations on Him. He did not tell people all they wanted to know, and He did not heal people just to prove His power.

Many misunderstood Him, and others were angry. Yet He just kept loving them as they were, gently pointing them to the truth and letting them decide whether it was “worth it” to come and follow Him.

He refused to manipulate people, even for their own good, and was not crushed when they turned on Him.

How many people in your life could you call in a middle-of-the-night, dire straits emergency? Two? One? For most of us, if we don’t count family, we may have no one, or a only few, on whom we can really put our weight when we need it.

Before you start wondering what is wrong with me, let me tell you: it’s not just me. The more I speak with people, the more I realize it’s a common problem in the lives of our churches.

We have a pandemic of loneliness.

Why? Expectations—expectations placed on us by others and expectations we place on people. I have struggled with this most of my life. It’s a hard lesson to learn, and even harder to let go of those expectations.

Have you ever wondered about the most unsettling question we sometimes ask ourselves? It’s often, What will other people think? This question can weigh heavily on us, but remembering to be true to ourselves is always more important.

Are expectations placed on us by God? No, but by people who determine what is right and wrong and then tell us that if we don’t, we aren’t good enough—sometimes in anger, sometimes in disgust.

We tell ourselves we are a disappointment. What does that produce in us? A desire to lock the doors, close the shades and hide. Alone, but safe!

Why is this happening? It is because we are behavior-based instead of relationship-based.

We, the church as a whole, have put a high premium on behavior rather than on relationships. Jesus always interacted with people relationally. Always.

He focused on the heart, while the religious leaders focused on outward appearance.

This is why the truth of Jesus, His heart and His teachings have little in common with much of today’s expectation-driven Christianity.

We are not safe with each other, or in our churches, because we’re afraid we’re not good enough. We’re afraid we will do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing or even ask the wrong question and then be judged for it. So, we hide. And we are lonely.

How different this is from the heart of God’s grace and unconditional love and the life Jesus modeled for us.

The older I get, the more I’ve stopped asking, What will people think? Instead, I’ve started to pull up the shades, throw open the doors and windows and just be ... me.

The moment we stop living for others’ expectations and start living as our true selves, we will watch an entirely new circle of authentic relationships emerge.

Sam Hinn’s mission is to love people back to life, regardless of color, creed or past deeds. Throughout his 40 years in ministry, Sam has traveled nationally and internationally, speaking at churches, conferences and leadership events. His passion is to bring healing to a broken church system and restore leaders who have been broken by it. He and his wife, Kendra, co-pastor Genesis Church Orlando, formerly The Gathering Place.